Meowthing Off | Max, on Being Relocated

Hey friends! It’s been such a busy week… Daylight savings has turned our brains to mush, and we keep forgetting to post on Instagram… so we asked Max to guest blog for us this week. We promised him cat nip in return. He gladly accepted.

Yesterday, Sam and I were sleeping on the couch, unusually close, but I was feeling affectionate and this turdbuger doesn’t know how to clean himself. Not only that,  after I cleaned his filthy head and we fell asleep, he woke me up with a soft bite on my leg! Obviously, the only course of action left to me was to hold him down and kick him repeatedly in his now clean face. Oh well, it’s not my greatest worry.

I’ve been relocated.

Bask in my unadulterated anger.

Much to my dismay, and with as much contention as I could muster, the humans have taken me away from my land, my lake, my side chick AND my main. I tried for the first 2 months, but they couldn’t stay loyal long distance, and I can’t be runnin’ 2 miles every day just to keep ’em in check. It’s their loss really, plus the humans kept runnin’ around after me trying to find me, like, I’m busy.

I miss that place. There aren’t as many birds here. I like birds. And rabbits. All that’s here is squirrels and not even that many, plus the constant passing rumble monsters keeps them in the trees. Even my human’s rumble monster foils my attacks, but at least they pet me when they get out, even if they don’t have a squirrel in their hands. There’s one squirrel, Stubby Nubkins, who has lost his tail already. He’s a fighter. I want to eat him, but he’s always so fast and there’s only ever a short distance to the next tree or even one of those weird trees that other humans climb up and mess with black strings. The strings from the string trees run right next to the normal trees! Easy escape! This never used to be a problem in my old home.

Sam is also gaining weight. I should have expected this. He’s always been an abysmal hunter. If I’m running into to problems hunting here, it’s no wonder he gave up. Well whatever, he can spend his days sleeping under the bed and running away from opening doors that he JUST BEGGED to be opened. C’mon. “Open the door please!!” Door is opened by gracious human. “OH GOD WHAT IS THIS MONSTER COMING RIGHT AT ME!”
He’s hopeless.

I can tell you, dear humans, if things don’t start picking up around here, I’m going to have to pee in the lizard room again. And in every closet. Also on that pile of clean clothes you folded and should’ve put away but didn’t.

I guess that’s enough meowthing off for one day.

-Max